[	mood	|	crushed	]
[	music	|	The verve pipe- Freshman	]

everything is fucked.. i honestly need to stop this, make all this pain go away..i need to, or die trying. Every single one of my friends and myself is wanting to die. Especially Adam, his mother walked out on him. He hasnt seen her in a week. No phone call or anything. I hope he sees how many people care about him and how many people he would hurt if his fatal day was to indeed take place. as i wonder whats going on while his away/ idol message is on and wondering if that would be the last time i would talk to him. so i type away. revealing everything i ever thought about him. It's so painful knowing that everytime im talking to him may be the last. I'm already going to Nick's funeral tomarrow. I couldnt bare going to Adam's. It is my wish to have him burry me, not the other way around. As i sit infront of the phone, waiting for him to call me like he does everyday. We always have the best converstaions, and it's always about pointless things, when i heard the news of his mother and his desire to leave the world behind, I called him, and this was the first time in 5 years that I had a loss of words to Adam. That has never once happend. When he answered the phone, all I could do was say "Adam, if you were to end your life, i would only allow it if I was in your arms and we went together" and he just said "I cherish you with all my heart, I want my last thought to be of you" And then we hung up. The shortest phone conversations Adam and I have had in 5 years....and i ment every word i said to him..

i cant believe we'd ever die for these sins..

[	mood	|	undescribeable	]
[	music	|	the unforgiven- Metallica	]

things were  getting better for a second. He has not been released from the hospital just yet, but is expected to recover from his reoccuring incident with allergic reactions to chemicals in which he is aware of, he still takes them, i forgive him, but ill never be able to forget the pain i felt when i got that call saying the love of my life has done it again. I will stand by him once again because my feelings for him are just too strong and he's way too amazing of a person to let go...and im so in love with him.

I spent some time with my dad, didnt go as great as i had hoped, but did ok. Jon called me, and i felt bad because i had to leave cuz i was on the phone with Steve. Steve told me the news i didnt wanna hear. He told me he was gone,  not the love of my life, but my long time friend. He too in the hospital, for an addiction that took his life at an amazing speed, but not painless. That is what kills me the most, knowing he suffered even though it was only for seconds. I told him i would try my best to get rid of his suffering, no, I didnt promise him, but i told him i would try, i guess I didnt try hard enough. At first I thought it was some sick joke and kept telling steve that it wasnt fucking funny, then he just said, im sorry em, he's gone.  I told my dad that I had to go to the hosptal and meet Steve, he almost started arguing with me about it, until i told him, and I think he understood, he drove me there, Met steve, and went up to his room to find him, the nurses were putting him away, I didnt cry until they left with him, i dont know why, part of me thinks it was because i was waiting for him to wake up and unzip the body bag and start laughing in my face, another part of me thinks that it was because i was too much in shock. My love had an extremely hard time accepting it, I think that was the first time i ever saw him cry...ever. I remember crawling into his hospital bed, and holding him while he cried on my shoulder, just like he did with me many times before, and i remeber steve in the doorway, face as pail as ever, and just watching him sob in my arms. It was a turning point in my life, a complete turning point. Seeing a man, that has always told me to be strong, break down. Now my love for him is stronger than ever.

Please come see me one last time, youre the only thing i wanna see before i die..